can't let go

For over two years I waited for P to get on the same page as me.  We dated, we broke up, and through it all, we never really lost faith in each other.  "We're meant to be together," he would tell me, and I believed him.  But it was hard and painful, far more so for me than him, and here's the thing:  sometimes, I'm still very angry at him for it all.  I'm angry that he could say something like "we're meant to be together" than run off with other women.  I'm angry about how irresponsible he was, how easily he would cast me away, how whenever I would get up the nerve to confront him he would shrink and cry and ask me to understand that he wasn't ready; that he was afraid.  I'm angry that he was a coward.  I'm angry that he took his insecurity and lack of faith in people and love out on me.  I'm angry at how shallow his life can be, and how, in those years, he surrounded himself with stupid, fake, backstabbinng, hanger-ons.  Sometimes I'm still so angry I want to leave him, at the very least scream at him.  How could you do this to me?

I realize that I'm really just angry with myself.  How could I let him do this to me?  I know that I've changed, that he's changed.  I know if I can just let us, we could have a very happy life together.

But sometimes, I'm still so angry.

Comments

[kate]

Strange...I was just thinking of your blog and experiences the other day...I, too, am trying to figure out how--to forgive and move on...it's different, we are spending time apart--he wants to date others-- and as soon as I feel like I may be OK with things, he comes back around, but I, too, struggle with how I got here..and really, how I move on. YOUR situation is different though, he has made that commitment--you had reached that point of no return and it seems he realized what life would look like without you. I know it sounds corny, but there's a country song: "God Bless the Broken Roads" Rascal Flatts...it's about the paths that lead us to the love of our lives..those necessary lessons that we learn about unconditional love of others, and ourselves...everything you went through got you where you are today..I realize that doesn't make it easier, but it had to be that way. You needed every lesson as did he.
I wish you the best.

[cloudy]

Hi Kate,

I'm sorry to hear that things aren't going well with you and your man. I think I understand some what you are going through, having gone through my own version of it for two years. People used to ask me all the time why I didn't just leave P and move on but I think what they never understood was that was something I would do when I was ready, and there is never really any telling when that is going to be. For years P would tell me how he needed to date other people (though he never really did) or how he wasn't ready and any number of other things. He needed to get to where he needed to be on his own, but it doesn't make it easier knowing that, I know.

Thanks for reminding me that I am lucky and that as much as it hurts sometimes, P and I needed to grow up a lot to get to where we are today. I'm sure I wouldn't have trusted a "perfect" relationship if that is what I got from him from the get go. And I'll be the first to admit that sometimes, being this happy scares the bejesus out of me and so I root around looking for problems to calm myself down. I'm weird, I know.

Best of luck to you too!