Most of February has gone by, I know. I apologize. There were good points: after our long talk, things with P settled down for a moment. We spent three days lounging and relaxing at a resort for Valentine's day. But it takes more than 3 weeks for an ambivelant man to stop being....ambivelant. And I know it will take much more and longer for this man.
I'm not sure if I mentioned it, but I started talking to someone, back in August. It was my first turn at counseling and I was fairly random about it, showing up once a month, if that. I mean, yes, I have man troubles but I'm fine! I don't have, you know, real problems or anything! I've got it together! The truth is, I don't. I've never really felt like I belong anywhere. There are moments, flashes, when I'm ok, but it's not often. I have never been happy with my work or the career path I ended up choosing for myself. There are people who are lucky enough to have all these things click in their lives and I always thought that I would be ungrateful for the gifts I do have (good job, own home, good friends) if I dwelled on how everything hasn't clicked for me. Though I love my friends, I don't feel like I belong with them. Though I'm good at my job, it doesn't excite me. The only thing, in the past 6 years, that has felt right is P.
I am lonely. Even in crowded rooms, surrouding my laughing, happy people, I feel alone. I try, I do. I am social. I put myself out there. I have a large circle of friends but I don't connect with them. I am trying to get better. I have realized that walking away cold turkey from my sole lifeline to anything is probably not the best option for me. I have been taking my life apart so that maybe I can find a way to put it back together that makes sense for me. I have been searching for a creative outlet to pour myself into. Something that is mine, that I can feel passionate about. I am taking steps to untangle myself from P. It's still all very hard right now, but I'm trying and I think that's something.
I'll post more, I pinky swear promise.