We were lying in our favorite position: facing each other, noses touching, with his leg draped over mine.
"No more crying," he whispered, and I gulped at him, trying to suck in enough air to steady myself.
It was the tail end of a 6 hour talk. At one point, angry and frustrated, he had stomped out of the room and yelled at me to leave, only to come back a couple of minutes later to engulf me in his arms and tell me how sorry he was for everything. How do we make this work? I wondered aloud, then sat up to look at him.
We talked, more honestly than we've ever been able to. The truth is, he wants everything, but is willing to give very little. He loves me, I know, but he makes stupid, careless choices. He wants to change but stalls so that he doesn't actually ever have to do it. He wants space to be free to figure out who he is and how to be happy, but he clings to me if I leave.
And I am tired. I used to feel certain that inspite of his troubles, he was someone that I wanted in my life. Lately, I'm not sure.
Lying, facing each other, he asked if we could try to change things together. If we could do it with small steps. Then he started to detail the things he wanted to do to start to change. I want to believe him, but I've been dissapointed too many times. I let him talk. He kissed my nose and made me promises and told me he loved me.
Today, I decided that I've ignored Rule #1 for far too long and have tackled it with gusto I usually reserve for my over-thinking. I started to refocus on my own life. You know, I actually have a pretty interesting one, if I pay attention to it instead of being sad and worried over this boy. I have a huge order into Amazon for new books, am patiently waiting the arrival of my shiny new digital SLR, and have plans scheduled for just about every day this week with friends that I've spent far too little time with in the last few months.
Will he make good on his promises? Time will tell, I guess, but right now I have Jimmy Eat World on, so I'm pretty happy.